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3. WHY

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TYPES OF AFFAIRS 

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Relationships are complicated and no two affairs are exactly alike. That is why you need a therapist to help you customize treatment that fits you. Nonetheless, there are some categories of affairs that are helpful to understand and discuss as a way to shed light on the motivations underneath the affair. Understanding these motivations can help in the healing process.

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We ask couples to review the types of affairs and discuss which one(s) fits you the best.

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EMOTIONAL AFFAIR

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  • Starts as “just a special friendship”

  • Often with a co-worker, a neighbor, or a parent at one of your kid’s activities.

  • Feels closer to the other party than spouse.

  • Often complain about shortfalls of spouse.

  • May experience increasing sexual tension or chemistry

  • Frequent Contact

  • Constant Thoughts

  • Feeling Understood

  • Inappropriate Sharing

  • Unfair Comparisons

  • Secrecy

  • Spending Time Together

  • Because physical sex is not involved, tell self that an affair is not really happening


ROMANTIC AFFAIR.   

 

Emotional affair PLUS

  • Intense attraction to another person

  • “Love at first sight” accompanied by instant infatuation.

 

CONFLICT AVOIDANT AFFAIR. 

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  • One partner lacks the ability to stand up for themselves Marriage deteriorates due to ongoing conflict over

  • unresolved differences.

  • Emotions suppressed.

  • Feelings of anger or annoyed but avoid the issue to avert conflict.

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INTIMACY AVOIDER AFFAIRS

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  • Partner(s) is frightened of intimacy.

  • Anger dominates relationship.

  • Verbal or physical violence used to avoid vulnerability.

  • The affair reinforces disdain for dependency.

  • More “fight” than “flight.”

  • Mirror opposite of conflict avoiders.


ONE NIGHT STAND

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  • Justified by temporary insanity, the heat of the moment, lots of alcohol

  • Compartmentalize as “just sex”

  • Secrecy
     

SEX ADDICTION

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  • Compulsions and obsessions which are centered on sex.

  • Sex is used compulsively to numb their inner pain and emptiness.

  • Secrets kept.

  • Sex acts as self-medication.

  • Acting out partner seeks constant reassurance and approval.

  • Acting out is an attempt to fill emptiness.

  • One partner engages in the addictive behavior and the other enables the behavior. 

  • Compulsive use of affairs (want to stop but cannot).

(For more our Sex Addiction vs Infidelity discussion)


LOVE ADDICT AFFAIR

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  • Compulsion and obsession are centered on the relationship

  • Looking for “the one”, soulmate, or Mr. or Mrs. Right. 

  • Spends inordinate amounts of time also obsessing over what their affair partner thinks of them.

 

MIDLIFE CRISIS OR EMPTY-NEST AFFAIR

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  • Search for someone to care for one’s needs after a lifetime of sacrifices and caring for others.

  • Self-sacrifice patterns rooted in childhood.

  • Unfaithful partner puts aside his/her own needs but blames partners. 

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REVENGE AFFAIR

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  • Objective is to cause pain to spouse.

  • Want to be desired by someone after feeling rejected.

  • Not enjoyed by either party


CYBER AFFAIR

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  • Often anonymous

  • May be emotional and/or sexual

  • Fantasy is central to experience

    
EXIT AFFAIR

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  • Way to end marriage by self-sabotage.

  • Believe married to the wrong person.

  • Usually affair is unsatisfying.

  • Find justification for leaving the marriage by engaging in affair.

  • Build up to affair over many years.

  • Usually leaves no room for reconciliation

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